I wrote this post last night but I was too tired to type it up!!
Well here we are on the eve of my 31st birthday and I can't help reflecting! I think back to my 21st, a lovely party with friends and family!! I was so care free and a little naive back then. Fast forward to 2 years ago! I'd barely got my head round being unexpectedly pregnant , my mind was full of so many different emotions. I wondered whether I could do it on my own! It certainly wasn't living up to the picture I'd had in my head of a lovely family unit, but I had to let go of that image! Something amazing was going to happen on my birthday, I was going to get to see the life that was growing inside me for the very first time. It was the best birthday present, my 12 week scan! It made things so real and gave me butterflies. There was a tiny being relying on me to give it life, love and protection. Someone to call me mummy.
A year later I had a 5 month old with fine, sticky up hair and a gorgeous smile. I should have been so happy but something wasn't right! About a week earlier mum had come with me to see the Dr, I had finally realised that it wasn't normal to be struggling this much! I admitted I was overly emotional, tense, overwhelmed, snappy and defensive but I wasn't sure if it was hormones! He sent me for blood tests to rule out anything else (coincidently I think those blood tests were taken on my birthday)! I felt so disconnected, as though I was in a bubble watching everyone around me living their lives. I knew I should be looking forward to my 30th and E's first Christmas but I just couldn't muster up any enthusiasm, all I wanted to do was cry for no specific reason.
And that brings us to tomorrow (I'll be officially in my 30's)! Yes I'm tired and I've got a touch of Endoftermitis and I'm looking forward to 2 weeks off (after a drink or 2 on Friday night) but I'm in such a better place! They say not to look backwards because that's not the way you're going, but I think sometimes you have to to see just how far you've come! We get so focused on the here and now we don't see that progress! I'm not where I want to be (as I explained in my last post) but I can see that slowly but surely I am getting there! Hopefully by my next birthday I'll have reached that light at the end of the tunnel, I'll be a happy, excited mummy!! And fingers crossed a skinny minnie too!!
Just in case I don't write another post in the next week I'd like to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!! Enjoy it and spending time with friends and family!! Spread the love!!
Until next time Xoxo